Tier Hopping: Stonehouse Town v Tytherington Rocks (and what ground have I seen the most without ever going inside?)

I've had this conversation a few times, mostly with the same people, but I've recently found myself with my answer changing. In case you can't read minds, this conversation revolves around the question “What football ground have you seen the most without ever going inside?” or something to that matter. 

I always had two answers: Maidenhead United and Stonehouse Town. 

If, like me, you're often on some sort of train then you'll undoubtedly have travelled past a plethora of local grounds in close proximity to the railway. As you head out of Cheltenham in one direction you have Petersfield Park and Seasons, the former being the home of Hellenic Division One side Cheltenham Saracens and the latter being the training ground of Cheltenham Town where the Under 18s compete in the EFL Youth Alliance. In the other direction, you may head towards Gloucester and go past Longlevens or towards Stroud, which I often do, where you'll go past Brimscombe & Thrupp and…Stonehouse Town. 

The Lane End of the Ben's Takeaway Stadium (Stonehouse Town FC)

Further along the route, which normally for me consists of Cheltenham Spa to London Paddington, you'll go past the home of Hellenic League Division Two side Taplow United and members of the National League Maidenhead United. There's also the ancient Chinese proverb “It's not an awayday unless you go past Walsall’s ground” which of course throws them into the mix. Previously, I had been to every club mentioned except for Maidenhead and Stonehouse but a weekend in the Berkshire area in August saw me tick off Maidenhead (as well as Windsor & Eton and West Ham United) and then on Tuesday night I ticked off the other with a long-awaited trip to the Ben's Takeaway Stadium. 

This was only the second ever game I'd watched in Division One of the Hellenic League which sits at tier ten of the English football pyramid after Cheltenham Saracens v Carterton at the start of the season and came from the weather-induced withdrawal symptoms that all this time without football had brought upon me. Stricken by desire to watch football I decided to finally tick off Stonehouse and I'm incredibly glad I did.

First of all, if you're looking for an all-round affordable trip then look no further than the superbly named Ben's Takeaway Stadium. Entry for £6, a programme for £2 and a pint for £2.50 (or a can of Dr Pepper for £1) is genuinely outstanding. It could all have cost double and we'd still have had our money's worth within 10 minutes as we'd finally found a place to settle in the impressive Lane End and instantly saw the hosts take a two goal lead. Tiger Harris scored both to give the Magpies a commanding early lead against Tytherington Rocks in what would end up being a rather eventful and entertaining game. 

A personal highlight of mine was a ball being passed onto the pitch to replace one which had just been fired out of the ground subsequently being hoofed into a hedge and having to be itself replaced. 

I'd then try to find the toilets which, rather interestingly, are not inside the ground. After looking lost outside the new looking and rather nice clubhouse (that wouldn't look out of place in the Premier Division...or higher) I was directed toward the entrance gate where a man with a drill signposted me toward the building housing the changing rooms for the council pitches next door which did, in fact, house toilets too. Bizarrely the soap dispenser worked for my brother but not me…it was bordering befuddling. In typical fashion I missed a goal while I was in there which saw Rocks half the deficit but this wouldn't last long as an almost comical challenge, akin to the Manchester Derby at the weekend, saw a slightly mistimed tackle take 100% man and 0% ball. Harris stepped up and slotted it home to complete his hat trick and restore their two goal lead. 

The rain started to get heavier and heavier and I began to question how long this game would last. The pitch devolved into more of a slip and slide that saw the second 45 feature far more slips and slides than one would expect to see at a football game, including the keeper slipping as he rushed out to slide away a through ball before turning and slipping over in almost cartoonish fashion.

Just three minutes into the second half, Rocks pulled another goal back with a cool one-on-one finish. Unfortunately, as the half progressed it became a tad difficult to play any football due to the worsening conditions epitomised by a superb through ball that saw Stonehouse played through on goal with the subsequent attempted lob getting ever so slightly stuck in the mud and rolling ten yards before stopping. 

Thankfully we managed the full 90 minutes although the same can't be said for my trip to Longlevens on Wednesday that lasted 37 minutes before the pitch was deemed unplayable. These storms and the general idea of precipitation are starting to get to me a tad. I'd managed to go until the 2022/23 season before having a game abandoned and have now had three since :( .

I've had games called off at Plymouth Argyle, Slimbridge AFC, and now Longlevens AFC

Back to the point at hand, now where have I been past the most but never been inside? Exeter Chiefs would be in with a shout but it's a rugby stadium and therefore doesn't count (unless there's a Worcester Raiders type situation going on). Brentford could also be in the running due to its proximity to a road into London although I'm not sure if I've made the trip via that route enough times for this to be considered. I've settled on one that comes from annual family holidays to Devon with visits to the same places each time. I think this accolade must now go to Western League side Barnstaple Town who you may remember did previously compete in the same league as Bishops Cleeve. 

They're in with a shout of returning too as Barnstaple currently occupy third place only one point behind first and in with a decent shout of promotion. So that's now my answer which, depending on how Barnstaple's and Cleeve's seasons go, I could potentially tick off next year.